Several people have reached out to me lately and I haven’t been able to reach back to most. My internal struggles (that I’ve never been able to express well on a blog or spoken aloud) are feeling heavier than normal. I feel as though I’m being pulled by the gravity of a giant star that has grabbed me and I’m helpless to pull away.
The last 24 hours has felt like 12 seconds, and two years ago…
I used to write every day, sometimes twice, occasionally more often… until I hit a figurative brick wall (writer’s block-wall?), reinforced it, and stopped blogging completely. I’ve been lost behind my own self-imposed wall ever since.
Tomorrow, April 25th, marks one year since when we lost our dear friend Elaine. In the memory of her friendship and knowing that each day we have is a gift, and not a given right I wanted you to know how much you mean to me:
Take it however you want it, but I wanna do bad things… right now.
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When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don’t know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
The two lines of “Goodnight, Goodnight” that speak to me:
“It’s beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world“
and the following, underlined…
You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together
I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better
Something’s gotta change
Things cannot stay the same
Maybe there’s a reason I haven’t had a “best friend” in over 7 years. I no longer trust or love easily.
When I was younger and living in CA (which was probably the most awesome and life-defining four years of my life) I had a huge group of friends. Every single friend was someone I trusted deeply; I gave my raw emotional love to them freely, and with absolute and total trust that my vulnerabilities were safe. The same was shared with me, and it went both ways.
By it’s nature, blogging is dramatic, selfish, mean-spirited and oftentimes hurtful. Let’s face it, not everyone is going to agree with your (or my) opinion, and if you read it (or write it) chances are you’ll have your feelings hurt at some point.
The reasons for “loss” are confusing and elusive to me. The loss of [the life of] anyone we love – young or old – is never something any of us wish to experience, yet death is the only inevitable part of life.
The authors of blogs certainly have different motives for blogging – so why do I blog?
I blog because I want to! Aside from that:
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