Jumbled Words, Jumbled Thoughts
I'm a Blogger (1999 - 2008)Published October 4, 2008 at 06:41 4 CommentsI’m a whole mess of jumbled thoughts, and I can’t quite bring even one cohesive set of words together about any one topic.
I have a headache. I didn’t get enough sleep. My brother is having a baby (ok, his wife is, and so far I haven’t heard if Nugget has arrived or not)… my little brother. I feel old – My brother just turned 29 and my own son is eight years old (that makes me… 32.) I’m getting married (for the second time) in two months and two days. So much left to do with the planning and executing of everything. If Elaine were here… well, she was the party planner. Elaine’s birthday is Monday – she would’ve been 33. She was right there with me, with my family, through the last of my slow decline into kidney failure, for nearly four years of dialysis and then steadfast in the year following my transplant. What would I have done without her? I have the scars to prove my journey of kidney disease across my abdomen (the transplant) and running the length of my right arm (hemodialysis.) My right arm, neck, shoulder and back hurt – caused initially by years of hemodialysis, but continuously aggravated by the fact that I’m right-handed and I can’t exactly NOT use that side of my body (hello, to write? type? eat?) The constant pain is just… undeniable and no longer one of those things I can pretend not to notice. A lot of things are like that (I can’t pretend to not notice them anymore) – I have a functioning kidney, so I no longer have to prioritize staying alive (kidney failure) over arm pain. I also can’t seem to prioritize my emotional well-being over people who are hurting me. I’m defenseless to stop them and seemingly unable (or too stupid) to prevent myself from allowing them to hurt me. Although, I do admit to allowing the drama of it all to draw me in, when I should be laughing, instead. I don’t do well with unanswered questions, unspoken words and things left up in the air. Even apologizing doesn’t always work – Friendship is SO important to me, and I’m failing (and flailing). I’ve tried and failed more than once this year to open up, be myself, reach out – and I’m rejected. I’ve even managed to lose one of my best (furry) friends. Meanwhile, I go about rejecting myself by my recent employment (sorry, no link about that, I’m keeping mum) that is shameful to my professional profile. I’m ashamed of my job/status/position and what I’m doing. I hate lowering myself. I also hate nit-picky people who write about annoying things.
So while I have all these jumbled words, jumbled thoughts spinning and spinning in my head – I’d just rather say [ ] and go back to sleep…
… because life still confuses me.
We don’t even talk about these things… I feel like such a terrible friend not to know all that has been going on in your life for days… weeks and sometimes months later. I know I don’t have internet so I am not able to keep up via blog but I’d like to know you feel like you can talk to me whenever you need someone to talk to you. You’ve always been there for me and I want to be the same source of strength and support to you that you are to me.
@Robin -
You’re a good friend *HUG* so no worries. You ARE there for me, even if we don’t hang out often (or even if I see your kid more than I see you LOL!!)
K2
Take care of yourself. Weeks and weeks without sleep, anger turned inward – misdirected, all serve to continue to poison.
Try to move forward. Even if it’s one day at a time, it’s better than not.
just know kind thoughts are being thought in your general direction. :)
@Jesse -
“just know kind thoughts are being thought in your general direction.”
Always appreciated *hugs*
K2