This story is his to tell, and not mine
I'm a Blogger (1999 - 2008)Published March 11, 2008 at 20:59 10 CommentsMy son is getting old enough to express his feelings about his adoption and hold whole conversations with me about what he thinks. We had one such conversation today, and while it had a bit of a ‘hit-me-over-the-head-with-a-two-by-four’ effect, it validated a lot:
“Mom… can we keep it a little secret, just between us, that I’m adopted?”
I feel there is an important point to make by revealing his words (and my thoughts about them) even if I feel a tad guilty so immediately violating his trust.
We were in Starbucks getting our usual Frappachinos (yes, I buy my kid Starbucks… so sue me!) The barista making our drinks knows me (causally, due to the fact that I visit their establishment probably far too often) and I made pleasant conversation with her while we were waiting. I asked about her health and she asked about mine. It had been before the holidays since I last saw her, so I told her about having my hoo-hoo-ectomy in January. I’ve gotten used to the ‘typical’ response -
“Well, at least you already have your son… and if you want another one, you can always adopt,”
she said. I glanced at The Kidlet. He seemed to have missed and/or ignored the comment. Since he had his Frappachino straw stuck half-way down his throat at this point, I made the assumption that he didn’t even hear her.
“I’m already a proud adoptive parent,”
I replied, looking straight at The Kidlet, this time, and motioning toward him. I gave a grand smile – the grand ‘I-adopted-and-am-therefore-entitled-to-praise’ smile. The smile that I am embarrassed to possess, the one that despite my best efforts, still comes forth at odd times. Why should I still flash such a look when I entirely don’t feel the need for reinforcement of my decisions? Maybe I should examine that a bit further… but I digress.
“The Kidlet, do you want to tell her anything about yourself or about being adopted or about Ukraine?”
I questioned, still looking at him and still with that stupid grin plastered on my face.
“No, not really,”
he replied, annoyed.
I was confused, totally and utterly confused , caught off-guard, even. Usually, if given the chance, The Kidlet loves to tell anyone who will listen about Ukraine, how his “mother Nadyia lives there” and that he is excited and looking forward to his visit in 2009.
His comment immediately started me down the ‘OMG what is happening/has happened/is something wrong/is he upset?’ track. A million questions passed through my mind while we walked from Starbucks to the car, most of them once again questioning my own parenting abilities.
As we drove away, I gently asked some questions.
“Hey, The Kidlet, how come you didn’t want to talk about Ukraine and your adoption?”
He shrugged and continued to sip the Frappachino that was already nearly gone. He deliberately acted uninterested. I casually continued -
“Did something happen? Are you upset? Are you embarrassed about being adopted?”
He flashed his ever-evolving “mom you’re embarrrrasssssssing me” look. (I’m seeing that look a lot more often, lately, BTW…) Finally he answered -
“Nothing is wrong, Mom. But, I don’t know that lady, so can we keep it a little secret, just between us, that I’m adopted?”
The lighbulb flashed on in my head and the mantra I’ve been repeating (at least online) was finally confirmed by the one for whom it matters most:
This story is his to tell, and not mine.
If my mentioning he is adopted in public and/or unfamiliar situations makes him uncomfortable, then I have to respect that. Even if I’d love to shout to the world how proud I am to be an adoptive mother, I need to filter myself a bit more. I need to respect his space and realize that what my big fat mouth says in front of him and ‘on behalf of him’ makes a difference. He notices. And even though I might not have respected that in the past (especially when he was much, much younger and couldn’t tell the difference or at least couldn’t tell me his feelings about it) I need to remember that now.
Will I still blog about adoption? Yes, but just as my adoption blog has literally dwindled in the last few years, so will specific details about my son dwindle (even more) online. I will speak in generalities and give examples or offer advice when asked. But I will not tell his story, not anymore…
It is HIS story, HIS and not MINE.
Yeah, I understand. :) At the age where he wants to be “the same” as everyone else. Nate has similar issues of a need for privacy, even though his differences from Frank and I are obvious. ;)
I think, when at all possible, the ability to honor their feelings, is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. There will be a time and a place for your pride, until then your promise to him is more important.
I buy my kids Starbucks too. I don’t think it makes us bad parents. I justify by making them get Decaf. I got issues.
I wish I could have conversations like this with AJ but its just not possible. So, I’m the one to tell his story, to tell of what he goes through everyday, to tell of all his special needs, of what his birth mother did to him, of what he inherited from her and how we deal with it, and how much it stinks to be so frustrated every single day.
I just wish that there were some more normalcy but as he gets older his needs actually get more pronounced and it actually makes me mad.
I get glimpses throughout the day of who he is…hugs and kisses, some I love yous and some banter and then its back to barking like a dog or trying to climb the walls (literally). I wish I had more time with the guy who is really inside. :)
“Nate has similar issues of a need for privacy, even though his differences from Frank and I are obvious.”
Judy -
Has he always been sensitive, or just at the moment?
Krissi
“There will be a time and a place for your pride, until then your promise to him is more important.”
Amanda -
Thank you for really ‘getting it’ :) He is more important than my pride…
Krissi
“I buy my kids Starbucks too. I don’t think it makes us bad parents. I justify by making them get Decaf. I got issues.”
I just make my son pick from the ‘creme’ based ones… *shrug*
Pickel -
Under what circumstances was he adopted and out of curiosity how old is he? I do read your blog, but I don’t know any of the back-story…
“…of what his birth mother did to him, of what he inherited from her…”
Eeeikes. I assume you’re referring to something negative? Why reinforce that in his mind?
Krissi
Not just at the moment, but I don’t think I realized how sensitive he was about this stuff until we started family therapy and started talking about adoption issues. It’s funny — he’s fine with telling people he’s from Vietnam, but not that he’s adopted. It seems to have to do with wanting to “come from Mommy’s tummy” and being sad that he didn’t.
[...] Similarly, few details about my family… K2 is a very private person, and out of respect for him I don’t discuss his life or what he does/thinks/says very often. I figure that if he wanted to share those details with the blogosphere he’d start his own blog. As far as my son is concerned, see #4, above. Again, I might share a sweet, funny or entertaining story about my family, but you’ll find it from my perspective… and I’m guarded when it comes to giving TMI. [...]